Did you know that not only eating garlic but wearing garlic can save your life?
We all want something out of life, I wanted to be praised, some adulation, fame and fortune on Word Press, and most of all, to be Sally Field.
I remember that moment at the Academy Awards when Sally said, “You like me, you really like me!” and everybody did. I wanted that kind of adoration, but now it’s too late because I am wanted, wanted by my own family, and that is the problem because they are a bunch of vampires.
Think I’m nuts huh, well they thought Renfield was crazy too (but then he ate bugs) so I guess he was. Nevertheless you won’t think that I am crying wolf after this.
But before going public with this kind of information I needed certainty that no one would think I was going bonkers, I needed proof, so I went to the most reputable source on the net today, Wikipedia, you can’t get more reliable than that.
I dug up some very interesting facts about the undead, one of which is that vampires hate garlic, and crosses.
Now I understand a vampire’s aversion to crosses, and although I don’t own a cross myself I can however, buy garlic on the open market. Crosses on the other hand, have been a little harder for me to come by of late.
When last I was at “Father Benedicts Emporium” I had to make a choice between getting a cross, or that painting of Jesus on a velvet background staring heavenward into the light.
I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve spent ever since. And although I don’t regret my decision of selecting Jesus to watch over me one bit, I now think the cross might have been the better investment. Yet I am learning to appreciate the smell of garlic more and more every day.
But “Father Benedicts closed its doors (I didn’t know churches did that), and I haven’t been to church since, so no cross for me to bear.
So I’ve taken to eating a lot more garlic of late, whole cloves in fact, and to placing a necklace of garlic around my neck before bedtime, just in case, in case of what you say?
In case of necking with my wife, and you’re probably thinking boy Paul isn’t that a bit drastic? You bet, but I prefer to call it safe sex. No hickeys for me thank you very much; I’m nobody’s fool.
Vampires, that includes my wife, are sensitive to daylight making her a prime suspect for being one. She goes around the house saying things like, its way too bright in here and then suddenly (click), the light goes out just as I’m on the top of the stairs, the body cast came off last November.
Found out that vampires fly too. One day last January my wife was in the bathroom (she had the light off AGAIN) only this time, understandably, I was avoiding the stairs.
Well one of our daughter’s came into the bedroom to borrow some makeup (her summer tan was gone by the way, coincidence, I think not), and suddenly it occurred to me, she looks awfully pale, but I know makeup can add color to one’s face, naturally I was suspicious.
Our daughter stepped into that darkened bathroom and I heard my wife quietly say boo. Suddenly our daughter screamed like a banshee, and I swear she flew twenty feet across the room without once putting one single foot on the floor. Our two boys howled with laughter, conclusion, vampires.
My entire family has turned now, oh they smile at me all the time but that’s just to throw me off.
I needed proof though, I had to show the world that the vampire apocalypse is upon us. My chance came with our vacation to Las Vegas.
On the way there, the family wanted to stay at the “Mizpah Hotel” in Tonopah, Nevada. The place is haunted and Zack Bagan’s of the Travel Channel’s show, “Ghost Adventures” has even been there.
My family wasn’t fooling anybody though. I saw “Hotel Transylvania” I realize haunted hotels are a classic destination of all vampires. I reasoned I’d catch them in a photo with their red eyes, because everyone knows all vampires have red eyes.
Apparently though you have to catch vampires in an unguarded moment, because when I tried to snap a photo of my wife in front of the hotel just after dusk instead of her red eyes, all I got was a cold stare, so I smiled sheepishly.
After that they never posed for a photo again while we were in Tonopah, and no one told me vampires wear sunglasses, Wikipedia never mentioned that one. Also as a result of my fopa I think they may be onto me, whenever they look at me now I feel like dessert, so I have to be more careful from here on out.
Finally I got lucky in Vegas, and nobody gets lucky in Las Vegas believe me, but I did, and now I have proof that vampires are among us. Mind you I had to use my cell phone, no time to set up the camera, probably had the lens cover on it anyway.
My wife accidentally saw the photo to which I confronted her with my theory about all of them being vampires. She shot back with some nonsense about the flash reflecting off of their retinas and said I was just being weird.
You want to know weird, weird is this new craving I have to go eat some insects, go figure.